Dear Lasers Soccer Parents - Part 3

["Let Inga Tell You,"  La Jolla Light, published April 27, 2026] 2026

This is Part Three of a three-part series of excerpts from memos I sent to parents as team manager of my younger son Henry s Lasers soccer team. As much as I whine about technology, it was infinitely more difficult to manage youth sports in the pre-internet, pre-cell phone, pre-Google Maps era.

April 1

Memo to: Lasers Soccer parents

From: Inga, Team Manager

(1) Hotel Reservations for State Cup

Don't forget to call the Embassy Suites in Brea to make your hotel reservation! The reservation is under La Jolla Lasers Soccer Team.

(2) Request from Coach Trevor #1

He would like to remind every one of the barbarians, er, lads to bring a ball to soccer practice, even if coming straight from a baseball game.

(3) Request from Coach Trevor #2

Coach Trevor wants to know if the team would like him to return to coach us again next year (starting in August). I should mention that he broached this subject before our disastrous games in Chula Vista today so if he suddenly claims no knowledge of this query...   Anyway, it's something he wants us to think about and hopes to have a meeting about it at State Cup. The requirement for him would be that the boys have a different commitment for the spring season than they had this year. I think this means that baseball players need not apply. No, just that players that also play the b-word sport would be willing to miss more b-word games than they have this year. As in, all of them.

April 13

Memo to: Lasers Soccer parents

From: Inga, Team Manager

(1) This could actually be my last memo. (But don't count on it; it's so hard to let go of a captive audience.) Just wanted to remind people of a couple of details, mainly that if anyone knows of any outstanding debts this team owes, or thinks they should be reimbursed for something, speak now or forever hold your receipt. I want to close out our account for the year as soon after State Cup as possible.

(2) If you need to find me at the Embassy Suites: (a) finding me under Henry's last name/my former married name will get you nowhere. (b) Most of you know my significant other, Olof, who will probably get there before me (since he is coming from L.A.). But for those who don't, he just hates being treated like a mugger-rapist-child molester pervert who hangs around hotel lobbies trolling for soccer players. So yes, he belongs there. (c) This broken home stuff is really the pits.

See you Saturday!

Thursday, April 14

Urgent Phone Tree Message from Inga, Team Manager

Re: STATE CUP FIELD LOCATION HAS BEEN CHANGED!

Please call and leave a message on my home answering machine that you received this information!

Last night Thursday - at 9:30 p.m., the State Cup Director called me and said, "I'm sorry to give you such short notice, but we re changing your State Cup location for Saturday."   Then he put me on hold for three minutes. This, fortunately, gave me ample time to get completely hysterical, so by the time he came back on the line, I was able to instantly launch into a full diatribe: ("Are you KIDDING? Dream ON! We're NOT moving! Forget it! If you're sending us back to Bakersfield, we forfeit! You've got the wrong number! This is not the La Jolla Lasers; they have moved and left no forwarding address. If you think after all this you re still going to get Shelley [hot team Mom whose body had been offered to keep us from playing in Bakersfield] etc. etc."

Fortunately, they are just moving our entire bracket to another field in Brea, to Brea Olinda High School. Since a number of you are driving up on Saturday and going straight to the field, I need everyone to confirm with me that they received this new information as there is no way for us to find out where you are if you go to the old field. For those staying at the Embassy Suites on Friday, the National Science Foundation's copier and I will have produced new maps and directions. All playing times and opponents remain the same.

April 30

Memo to Lasers Soccer Parents

From: Inga, soon-to-be-ex team manger (woo-hoo!)

I swear this really really is the last memo you'll get from me. And this one bears good news!

                                                $$$$$$$$MONEY$$$$$$$

You are getting a refund! The reasons for this are: (a) we added another player (b) unbelievably, everyone paid up (and my cousin Guido didn't even have to threaten them that hard) (c) the Embassy Suites was cheaper than the place we were going to stay in Bakersfield so coach expenses were less, BUT (d) we ended up having to pay for referees at State Cup which I hadn't expected. HOWEVER, (e) we saved ref fees on the one game the other team forfeited, NEVERTHELESS Coach Trevor drove so we had to pay him gas mileage.

The checks - made out to Moms and in denominations suitable for a nice lunch or a massage - are for varying amounts of money. This is due to the fact that everyone paid me a slightly different amount of money (some in blocks, some rounding off my request to the nearest $10 etc.) Some forgot how much I asked for and just sent me mysteriously-odd amounts of money (and hey, I wasn't proud, I took it.) The bottom line is that everyone was charged the same expenses from the time they joined the team. The accounting firm of Price Waterhouse has reviewed this account and OK, maybe not. But if you have questions, call me.

I also want to take this opportunity to thank you all (a) for the gift certificate to Georges at the Cove and (b) that it wasn't a Thigh Master. Henry has even talked his way into being included in the Georges meal. It occurred to me that he ought to know that there are actually restaurants where you don't yell your order through the mouth of a clown. (Could be risky; he might want to go to one of the Georges places again.) So, thanks it was really kind of all of you.

And as the saying goes that's all folks!

 

 

Dear Lasers Soccer Parents - Part 2

["Let Inga Tell You,"  La Jolla Light, published April 20, 2026] 2026

This is Part Two of a three-part series of excerpts from memos I sent to parents as team manager of my younger son Henry's Lasers soccer team. It was infinitely (understatement) more difficult in the pre-internet, pre-cell phone, pre-Google Maps era.

March 14

Memo from: Inga, Team Manager

To: Lasers Soccer parents 

Oh, no! She s back! And I ll bet she wants money! Right on both counts.

I need to start collecting money. ASAP. Since wringing checks out of you guys tends to be a time-consuming job, I am hoping to collect the rest of the season's fees all in one check. Suffice to say, if we have money left over, you will each get a pro-rated refund. So by my hopefully-correct calculations, attached is a breakdown of the total which includes Coach Trevor's fees for March and April, plus his hotel and transportation expenses for State Cup. I really need a check from each of you as soon as possible. Please (please please) don't make me call you 15 times. As my kids will testify (hopefully not in court; we're working out the terms), I can get very grumpy when provoked. A reminder to only call my work number if it is really really important and/or good news.

March 24

Memo to: Lasers Soccer Parents

From: Inga, Team Manager

(1) Money

I still have not received checks from five people. I hate having to call people and nag them for money. Hence my new team policy:

NO PAY, NO PLAY

So either send me a check (if you haven't already) or call me with a story so piteous that I cry uncontrollably for at least five minutes. And good luck with that. Keep in mind that I am a divorced working mom earning just above minimum wage in an entry-level job. I have a heart of stone. So: NO EXCEPTIONS, including and especially, "It's in the mail."

(2) State Cup

I called the nice State Cup people again this morning as they had promised me details about dates, times, and location of our games by "mid-March."  When I called earlier this month, I offered them my body to change our location from Bakersfield to Allen Field in La Jolla where games in our bracket are actually being played. Unfortunately, a request like that would require more like Shelley s [hot mom on the team] body than mine. [Shelley - call me.] Anyway, their nice recording says that the packets of team assignments are going out by "March 28." The National Science Foundation (who pays me and provides a photocopier) and I will get this information to you as soon as possible.

March 28

Memo to Lasers Soccer parents

From: Inga, Team Manager

Re: There IS a God

OK, so we knew that. But He/She speaks in mysterious ways. Despite the State Cup folks continued insistence that we would be playing in Bakersfield, they have assigned us to Brea, the northern-most community in Orange County. Shelley -  if you had anything to do with this, thank you! And Bill for lending out Shelley. Way to take one for the team! I don't know about the rest of you, but not having to drive to Bakersfield again has renewed my will to live. Our games, you will note from the schedule, are on Saturday, April 16 at 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. and on Sunday at 11 a.m. I also taped onto the schedule their charmingly cryptic directions to the field. I will be getting you a more detailed map of both Brea and our hotel before the game. Please note that if we win our bracket, we do go to Bakersfield the next weekend (April 23-24). Far be it from me to ever suggest throwing a tournament but half of our team is also playing baseball now.

Given the shortness of time available, I contacted the travel agency that is handling hotels for any teams that want their help and in hopes of not reliving the Irving Thanksgiving Hotel Horror of two years ago (80 soccer teams staying at a 17-story high-rise with only king size beds available; the elevator fiasco and the fire we won t go into), told them we wanted something that not more than four other teams are staying at and that there was ample choice of types of beds (including the availability of rollaways.) I called back later today and they'd forgotten who I was/what I wanted and said, "You vant [sic] Bakersfield, right?"

So I called and discovered there is an Embassy Suites in Brea. Working on a rate with them.

BTW, I still haven t received checks from a few people. Tomorrow's memo lists your names!

March 29

Memo of the Day to Lasers Soccer parents

From: Inga, Team Manager

Hotel Information for State Cup in Brea

We are actually going to stay at the Embassy Suites in Brea! There are a couple of qualifications, however. They are primarily a business hotel and so don't want unsupervised kids in rooms by themselves - at least any that they know about and that are causing trouble. They also don't want high-density rooms due to the free breakfast. (If they knew how much these kids eat, it would definitely be a deal breaker.) I'm not suggesting that you lie, but when they ask how many people will be in the room, you might want to develop amnesia about any number over four. In fact, they want a parent or at least a parent of record in every room which I didn't foresee as a problem. I assured them that we are a very sedate, well-mannered family-style group that has hardly ever been ejected from a hotel before.

Money (sigh, always money)

The State Cup people just informed me that we have to pay the ref after each game. Cash. So after all this careful budgeting, I may need to ask you for more money. This makes it more imperative than ever that EVERYONE gets their money to me as soon as possible! I just hate to think of poor Coach Trevor up there in Brea sleeping in his car and eating dog food. I imagine Coach Trevor hates to think of it too. So you know who you are pay up!

[Stay tuned for Part 3 of Dear Lasers Soccer Parents next week!]

 

Dear Lasers Soccer Parents - Part One

["Let Inga Tell You,"  La Jolla Light, published April 13, 2026] 2026

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a long-overdue file cabinet cleaning project and coming upon a folder of communications as a team manager to my younger son Henry s Lasers soccer team. The Lasers organization, a AA traveling team, professionally coached, seems to be long gone. But as I noted in my column, managing youth sports in the pre-internet, pre-cell phone, pre-Google Maps era was exponentially more difficult. For the next three columns, I am going to revisit team memos from that era which could not illustrate this more clearly.

November 4

To: Lasers Soccer team parents

From Inga, Team Manager, and General Purveyor of Unpleasant Financial News

(1) We need money

What, again? What are those team managers doing with our bucks, padding their kids'  college funds? OK, OK, I've heard it. Our October coaching fees for Coach Trevor plus the Irvine Harvest Cup and State Cup registration fees, plus Coach Trevor s expenses for Irvine were all calculated by my predecessor on the basis of 12 paying players. Since one has departed, we only collected these fees from the increasingly grumpy parents of 11 players. By the principles of Boolean algebra, symbolic logic, deduction, and long division, this means we are short of money. The league maliciously refuses to act like a nice friendly bank and give us overdraft privileges. They do an automatic deduction of our account on the last day of the month for Coach Trevor's salary, so if your kid suddenly doesn't play, you'll know why. (Just kidding. We are mature adults and would never stoop to punishing kids for the actions of their deadbeat parents.) Other payments, for those who have asked, are made by the Team Manager (moi) submitting a check request to the League Manager; I have no direct access to our funds. We have paid both the entry fee to the Irvine Harvest Cup and to State Cup. The league has magnanimously (and because I begged them) come up with our $200 bond for State Cup (separate from our entry fee) but warns that if we do a no-show, we have to ante up the money ourselves to pay them back or consequences too dire to even mention will occur. (Something about your kid playing fullback on a rec team in perpetuity.) I figure if we bring everyone's account balances up to (X), we will have enough to pay the November coaching fees and cover the shortfall mentioned above.

(2) Thanksgiving Weekend Harvest Cup News

In keeping with National Youth Soccer regulations, we will be informed of our game times in Irvine with the absolute minimal notice possible to ensure maximum inconvenience, stress, and difficulty in Thanksgiving holiday planning.

November 16

Memo to Lasers Soccer Team parents

From: Inga, Team Manager

Attached, courtesy of the National Science Foundation's photocopier at my office, are copies of all the tournament information that was sent to me. Frequently asked questions:

(1) When are we playing in Irvine?

Our games are Friday at 12 noon and 6:40 p.m. Games on Saturday are 10 a.m. and 5:35. I am assuming that most people will come up on Friday morning and meet at the field no later than 11 a.m. (I doubt we'd be able to get into our hotel before mid-afternoon.) We'd have to win our bracket or be the wild card to play on Sunday which makes the hotel arrangements problematic, as always.

(2) How do we find out if a practice is cancelled due to rain?

I put that question to Coach Trevor. There was a long pause before he replied, "Why would we cancel a practice due to rain?"   You could hear him thinking, "Boy, these California kids are worse weenies than I thought!"  Keep in mind that Coach Trevor is British and if they cancelled due to rain, soccer would be extinct. I explained that it has nothing to do with the kids getting wet; the problem is that the kids'  cleats tear up the field when it's wet in our arid climate. The roots just aren't very deep. Anyway, if it is so wet that we really can't practice, Coach Trevor will let me know and I will activate the dreaded Phone Tree.

(3) So, Inga, what is the best way to reach you since you work?

Shucks, I was afraid that someone was going to ask that. Four years of Cub Scout calls ruined my bosses' otherwise good natures about my volunteer activities. (The final straw was when someone asked my boss - a world-renowned researcher - what the requirements were for a Wolf Badge.) So I am going to give out my work number but ask that you not call me there for routine calls. Emergencies only. If a man answers, hang up.

(4) Unsolicited weather tip 

Two years ago this team played under lights in Irvine at Thanksgiving. Despite my having grown up in the Snow Belt, I can say with absolute certainty that the coldest I have ever been was at one of the night games at that tournament. With all the hotel'a blankets and towels wrapped around us, we looked like candidates for a list of 10 Worst Dressed Inuits. (The main problem was the wind.) Anyway, since we're playing two evening games, come prepared to channel your best Nanook of the North.

[Stay tuned next week for Dear Lasers Soccer Parents - Part 2]