[“Let Inga Tell You,” La Jolla Light, published January 24, 2022. Note: the La Jolla Light’s published version edited out phrases such as “natural selection” and others deemed to be potentially offensive. This is the version I submitted.] ©2022
If the first three variants of Covid-19 were named Alpha, Delta and Omicron from the Greek alphabet, what might the next one be called?
(a) Sigma chi
(b) Nancy Pi-losi
Which of the following phrases is NOT associated with Covid-19?
(a) “Follow the science.”
(b) “When will you be getting in more masks/handsanitizer/test kits?”
(c) “I’m doing my own research.”
(d) “He was hiking the Appalachian Trail.”
(e) “Your flight is cancelled.”
Pre-pandemic, if you knew what you know now, you would:
(a) have invested your retirement funds in toilet paper futures and Covid home test kits
(b) taken a cruise before that now-beleaguered industry goes belly up
(c) have realized in March 2020 that even your dearest friends and closest family members would have happily bought the last roll of toilet paper out from under you
(d) have relished leaving the house without a mask steaming up your vision
(e) not have said, “don’t worry, there’s no way they’re going to close schools.”
Which of the following has NOT been put forth as a treatment for Covid-19?
(a) Ivermectin veterinary medicine for de-worming horses
(b) consuming household bleach
(c) Hydroxychloroquine malarial drug
(d) Drinking your own urine
(e) Advil [actual correct answer]
(a) the highway from Nebraska to Nome
(b) the winning number on your Bingo card
(c) a surgical mask that scratches the skin off your nose but reduces your risks of Covid and similar airborne afflictions
(d) The area that includes Zimbabwe on a world atlas
(e) The successful torpedoing of your opponent’s aircraft carrier on Battleship
Persons opposed to Covid vaccines consider them:
(a) a plot developed by the U.S. Government to insert teeny weeny microchips in citizens for the purpose of mind control,
(b) based on “science” which is a code word for depriving people of their civil rights, and keeping them from congregating in large stupid maskless crowds
(c) dangerous even though they have never had diphtheria, polio, chicken pox or measles because of vaccines
(d) useless because vaccinated people got omicron anyway, even though they didn’t get very sick from it so, seriously, why bother?
(e) the fault of some people far far away, one of whom decided to ingest a bat. #definitelyacaseforgoingvegan
(f) a good idea just prior to being hooked up to a ventilator
In your own household, you:
(a) will invite into your home only persons who gave birth to you
(b) have no clue what “family groupings” actually means.
(c) “socially distance” to avoid your teenager.
(d) stick pins into facsimile dolls of the Zoom creator.
(e) could not have imagined in your worst dreams that you saved all these years to pay $50,000 for your college student to be remotely learning at your dining room table.
Your community interactions involve:
(a) frequently checking in with neighbors, offering love and Covid test kits #bringingoutthebestinpeople
(b) appointing yourself Chief of Covid Police, posting regular rants on your neighborhood Next Door about perceived non-compliance. #bringingouttheworstinpeople
(c) getting very very mad at anyone who makes the teeniest joke about Covid-19 since it is a Very Serious Matter Not To Be Joked About Ever Because That Could Be YOUR Grandmother Who Gets Sick and Dies.
(d) not admitting you never even really liked your grandmother
(e) wondering if you’ll ever eat indoors at a restaurant again, and not just because of those unreadable QR codes taped to the tables. #willingtoriskitallforanactualmenu
We will know the pandemic is over when:
(a) Dr. Fauci says so.
(b) When natural selection has taken its course
(c) Conversations occur when the words “tested” and “vaccinated” never come up once
(d) CVS is selling Covid home test kits at 10 for a dollar, no returns
(e) The evening news does not lead with Covid data
(f) Your elementary-school-aged great-grandkids visit you in the nursing home for help doing a report on something called “covid” that was apparently a very big deal in the early 2020s.
(g) (see (f) You know you’ve heard the term, but can’t quite place it.
Your Covid prevention plan includes:
(a) wearing mask as mandated by law.
(b) wearing mask to water plants in your secluded back yard.
(c) sleeping in a mask.
(d) making the dog wear a mask.
(e) not leaving your bedroom since March 2020, subsisting on beef jerky and tap water.