Monday, October 11, 2010

I Was A Mistress Of Both Tiger AND Jesse

[This column was submitted for the April 8, 2010 issue of the La Jolla Light but was rejected as being inappropriate for a family newspaper. Further, it would be coming out the week after Easter when there would be lots of coverage of "chicks and bunnies" - a bad fit, in their view. A more bunny-friendly column about family pets was submitted in its place.] © 2010

You cannot begin to know the minutes of anguish with which I have struggled with this decision, but the public has a right to know. I have been a mistress of both Tiger AND Jesse.

Yes, it’s true. My reasons for coming forward are varied, but they mostly include a hope for my 2.5 seconds of fame and, of course, one-upping all those other bimbos.

I tried to get Gloria Allred to represent me but alas, I didn’t save any of my text messages. Gloria says you should ALWAYS save your text messages as you never know when you might want to blackmail someone. So you’re just going to have to take my word for it.

Mistressing to the rich and famous has, alas, become a hugely competitive field and frankly, all sorts of tattooed trailer trash have been littering it up. I am not like them. All of my tats are of the Virgin Mary.

What really hurts my feelings about all this is that Tiger and Jesse and the entire defensive line of the San Diego Chargers and I really had something special. So when I saw that they were involved with so many other women, I was shocked. And I demand a personal apology. Because even though I have more artificial parts than Artoo-Detoo, I still have feelings.

And yes, I knew that all twenty-seven of them were married. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a girl to expect a celebrity to leave his beautiful successful wife for someone with a third grade education and sporadically-treated STDs.

I know that now that I have admitted to carnital relations with Tiger and Jesse that the paparazzi will be camped outside my door. Fortunately, I have my publicity stills ready to hand out, including the modeling shots I did for the Hooters “Silicon Vallies” calendar. Since Gloria won’t represent me, my sister’s husband/cousin Clive who runs a restaurant fry-oil disposal business has agreed to be my manager. All offers pre-accepted.

I also want to reply in advance to all those nasty people who will post cruel things about me on radaronline. I’m a person just like you, only with no standards whatsoever. And even though I’m currently mad at Tiger and Jesse, they are just like you and me too, except with more money than Croesus and egos the size of the Grand Canyon. Not to mention stratospherically stupid that they think that in this electronic age, they can have affairs and send text messages and not get outed. Maybe too much sex kills brain cells. The AMA should investigate this.

So, that’s my story. Look for my distraught-looking photo on the front page of your nearest tabloid. And if you’ve got a reality show in the works, I’m in.

No comments:

Post a Comment