Wednesday, April 23, 2014

**The Case Of The Rogue Reserves

My older son, a life-long prankster, still has to keep his hand in it even though he's now in his 30's. 

San Diego Public Library


The item you requested is available for pickup from the Library above and will be held for 12 days. A $1.00 restock fee will be charged for each item not picked up. Please bring your library card with you when picking up your hold.

1 The book of the penis /

Maggie Paley ; illustrations by Sergio Ruzzier.
Paley, Maggie.
call number:573.656/PALEY copy:1

 From: Mom
To: Rory
Subject: Fw: Library Pickup Notice

Hi Rory - This notice from the public library showed up on my computer tonight. I showed it to Olof and said, "Somebody hacked into my library reserve account. I need to report this to them immediately!" Olof pondered this for a moment and said, "Before you do that, you might want to reflect on who might have been visiting this past weekend." Good point. Why do I think this has your name written all over it? Affectionately, Mom

----- Original Message -----
From: Rory
To:  Mom
Subject: RE: Library Notice

I think someone may have had trouble resisting the temptation of ordering some fun titles, given that the library card # and password were right there on your computer which was just sitting there right in the guest room. 

---- Original Message -----
From: Mom
To: Rory
Subject: Fw: Library Notice

Rory – For the record, my password was not posted on my computer, just the library card number.  But as soon as you type that in, the library aids and abets persons like you by prompting:  “Your password is the last four digits of your phone number.”  Gosh, thanks, public library! I am probably the only person in America who can't leave her14 digit library card number taped to her computer without fear that some malicious pervert houseguest will take liberties with it.  If I don't check it out, it will sit on the reserve shelf just inside the front door with my name on it for 12 days, after which I am subjected to a fine.  There are few things I would wish to do less than dispute a fine for a volume called “The book of the penis” with that lady at the front desk who wears a bun. 

Love (I think),


----- Original Message -----
From: Mom
To: Rory
Subject: Book report:  The book of the penis

Dear Rory -

My mother, who, alas, you never had the opportunity to know, always said that one should look upon everything, bad and good, as an educational opportunity. I have spent a truly illuminating  weekend reading The Book of the Penis.  (The gardener did a bit of a double take seeing it on the coffee table when he came to pick up his check.)  I have to say, I was pretty impressed that this was written by a woman (who, according to the testimonials on the back “really knows her penises”), and that she had the foreskin, er, foresight to include an eight inch (hah!) ruler – broken down to 1/16ths - along the binding. She clearly knew her audience. I would like to note, however, that it comes in soft cover.

I learned some really neat facts that you would be well to remember the next time you are at a dinner party where the conversation is flagging. Try this: “Did you know that the original purpose of a codpiece – the guy equivalent of a padded bra – wasn’t so much intended to make them look more endowed as to protect expensive clothes from mercury-based syphilis creams?” Now if THAT doesn’t perk the table up, you should just go home.

And did you know that some guys actually get a penis tattoo? (Ow ow ow ow ow.) The tricky part, of course, is to design it so that it has the proper effect in the shall we say power position – definitely a challenge for the tattoo artist since most male members don’t exactly get bigger in the presence of a sharp object. At least that’s been my experience. (Oops – too much information!) The example they give in the book is about a guy who has his girlfriend Wendy’s name tattooed on his penis (what an idiot) only to go to a health club and find another guy, a Jamaican, with the same tattoo. Fearing that Wendy may be making the rounds, he nervously queries the other guy who replied, “No, mon. It says ‘Welcome to Jamaica’.”

If there is one thing I learned from this book, it is that guys do some really weird things with their apparati. The chapter on Penis Art was kind of neat (you can have a plaster cast made for posterity), Uses of the Foreskin not so much. Penis Piercing – see ow, ow, ow, ow, above.

My one complaint about this book is that it claimed to be illustrated. Maybe some other hapless woman whose pervert of a son reserved this book for her cut them out all as souvenirs, but as illustrations go, these sucked. OK, maybe bad choice of word there. I could go on at some length (so to speak), but if you want to know more, you’ll just have to check it out yourself.



----- Original Message -----
From: Mom
To: Rory
MORE Library Notices

Dear Rory –

OK, so your mother is a slow learner. But I have now learned to check my library account for rogue reserves. And in the process have cancelled Coping with Your Colitis, Hemorrhoids and Related Disorders; The whole lesbian sex book : a passionate guide for all of us; and The Rear View : A Brief and Elegant History of Bottoms Through the Ages. I have also changed my password. 

Signed (not love),




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